All: Shadows

Adapted from journal entries and letters from Saturday, May 9, 2009 and Saturday, May 16, 2009

God blows my mind. I try to consider ALL He is, and I am in awe that He can be. Every good, wholesome, perfect thing-- He is. Everything lovely and desirable-- He is. He is the summation of all things beautiful. Every longing in my heart shows it is for Him. Every, single longing! All I've ever wanted is Him. A friendship, a marriage, a child—they are all merely pointing violently toward the reality of Christ being EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to us.

Have you considered that the very, single thing we crave in the depths of our souls with words unspeakable that we only lift up to God is FOR God? We experience such cravings for one reason—for them to be filled by HIM. Our desire to be happy? He has placed it in us because He is the One who brings it in full. Our desire to be at peace? It is to be met best only with the peace of Christ. Our desire to see beauty beyond imagination and to be captivated and ravished with wonder? Given to us by a Father whose purpose was for us to experience the beauty and captivity of Christ! Think of all of the longings of the human soul. Truth, love, security, hope, pleasure, rest, guidance, justice, freedom, relief. Which need does not meet is absolute fulfillment in Christ?

I have strong desires for my relationships with other people. My longings for a best friend to understand me and be near to me. My longings for a husband to love me, care for me, lead me, be incredibly intimate with me, intoxicate me—they're all a mere SHADOW of who Christ is for me! For recognition, esteem, value—all shadows. That desire to know and be known is for Him. He gives Himself to me in FULL, withholding NOTHING, and He invites me to do the same. HE “fills all in all” (Ephesians 1:23). He is all I've ever wanted. As CS Lewis once said, “We are far too easily pleased.” Pleased with things so much less than Jesus in His abundance. Pleased with a plastic cup when we have the Atlantic Ocean, the Everlasting Fountain. There is nothing else lasting. All other ground is sinking sand.

I love how He is ripping me away from the grip of the world and everything in it. I am seeing the truth: It is all fading. It is all fleeting. It is as Paul said—worthless for the SURPASSING WORTH of gaining and knowing and being found in JESUS. He casts away my dependence on anything petty so that He alone remains, and my hope in Him grows and flourishes. When I am in moments of clarity and I rightly see this truth, I think, “How could it be any better than this?” Yet, the Father says, “Trifles. You have not yet seen, felt, tasted, or heard the things of glory.” Only He remains and endures throughout all generations. He is a Rock, unwavering and unchanging. The shadows flee away, but He is eternal. And He is better. By His grace, I choose Him again… and again… and again. He gave us “ALL things!” We shall not thirst, hunger, or be in want (Romans 8:32, John 6:35, Psalm 23:1).

All: When The Earth Gives Way

Elisabeth Elliot said in her book Be Still My Soul that loving God is loving His will. I have not been loving God well recently.

My car went in earlier last week to be fixed before I take a 1,000-mile road trip. On Saturday, I learned it wasn't really fixed. It makes an awful squeaking sound, and now my engine light is on. It is a holiday, so no one was open to take it today. I can only take it in tomorrow morning at 8:00, the very time I was planning to leave for Baltimore, Maryland.

"Is this really happening?"

I tried to think of any way around it, but I know there isn't one. I was full of so much anger toward God, and it came out in great measure on my family. I sat there fuming for HOURS. It could take a few minutes to fix, and all will be well, or it could take all day, and all plans will be ruined. I can see God's purpose in either outcome; I just don't particularly ENJOY the latter. I consider how increasingly awful this visit has been, and the only thing that could make it worse is to not be able to end it and to have my road trip canceled.

I thought a lot about God's sovereignty and my heart yesterday. Sometimes, I marveled at my selfishness and immature response. I feel like God presented me with a test to trust Him and I have utterly FAILED in every section. I questioned why the delay would even upset me so much and realized it was at least in part due to my fear of ruining things for my friends waiting in Maryland. They called yesterday, and I had to fight back tears and tell them I had no idea what was going to happen. Thankfully, they are more optimistic than I am, and they reminded me that that God helped us the last time we went on a road trip together and my car acted up.

Somehow, though, earlier today I didn't think God had it in mind to help me in that same way this time around. I felt like I will get there tomorrow, and they are going to say it's an all-day project. I felt like God really does have it in His heart to destroy my plans because He has grown tired of me trying to control everything, and He has grown tired of me clinging and tightening my grip on vain things, and He has grown tired of me thinking I really have gotten GOOD at trusting Him and enjoying Him regardless of my circumstances. Every thought and every word out of my mouth pertaining to this situation showed I was not trusting or enjoying Him. I stumbled over my anger and my doubt to ask Him for help. So much in me wants to say, "God is still for you. He is unchanging. He is able to work everything for good. He is able to ensure there is no delay. He is able to give you a delay and still make you glad in Him!" But my flesh, the victor the entire length of this trip, proclaims that God is heavy upon me. That He is angry at my constant disobedience and totally unwilling to help me. That He is ready to punish me further by ruining all my plans. That He is just DONE giving me paths of steadfast love and faithfulness.

But wherein lies the truth? That's what matters, not my wicked, frantic feelings. The truth is that my God IS sovereign and that He answers to no one. He does whatever He pleases, and no one can say to Him, "What have You done?" No one will turn back His hand. No one will put Him on trial. He is able to ruin our road trip. And it would be fair and good. He wouldn't need to even give me a reason why He did it. The truth is that everything God lets befall me is for my good. He is not--no matter what it seems--angry with me, punishing me, forsaking me, ignoring me, or destroying me. The truth is that He should. But the truth is also that I have become the recipient of overwhelming grace. The truth is that He loves me, even now. It didn't depend on me before, and it still doesn't. He is a Rock, and His character is tested and true. The truth is that God does NOT break promises. He is faithful to His Word, always. So when He says I am His child, when He says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love," when He says grace and mercy abound toward me in Christ, when He says I am triumphant, when He says it all works for my good, when He says nothing will separate me, when He says He guards me, when He says I am kept, when He says He fights for me, when He says, "You are mine," when He says, "I will give you rest," when He says He is better than everything else--to the point it all looks like garbage and He stands irresistible, He will NOT be found a liar. He is sure. He is true. He is confident.

I may not like God's will right now, but I know still it truly is better than mine, and I acknowledge that His is the one that should be accomplished. Like a typical teenager with his father. He knows Dad's plan and Dad's advice is much more reasonable and sound, but he still resists and wants to prove he has good ideas, too. He knows his father's wisdom would be helpful, but it doesn't change his desire to go his own way. But a good son does what his father commands gladly. He thinks Dad's ideas are cool. He thinks Dad knows what he's talking about and really wants to be just like him. So he follows him around, goes with him, works together with him, and enjoys the time spent with him.

"I won't let you go unless You bless me!"

I feel like I really do wrestle with my Father. I cannot imagine living in an attitude of perfect submission and willingness to all that He ordains. I see myself as resisting and loathing His authority as long as I live. I guess that's because wrestling with Him is how I learn the most from Him. Because I fight long and hard, but in the end, He pins me, and as I'm on the floor, paralyzed, I look up and see it all how I was meant to: Him reigning and ruling over me, and the only I can see. Defeat is sweet. Losing is gain. I love that God makes knowing Him a journey instead of an instantaneous experience.

A friend of mine has told me recently that he fears being in a place where it is just the Lord and him, with no one else for him to rely upon. Where all friends turn away or are not present and where all remaining is darkness and the Lord. I fear that place, too. I have been there many times before college, and I have been there these past two weeks again at home. It's funny to consider that God actually meets the desire of, "Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You!" by giving me only Him, and I respond in terror instead of joy. My hands start groping for a wall or a hand. But there are none. There is nothing else. Only Him. And it is in that place that we learn--rather painfully--that worldly things fail us and that He is All.

1God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way...-Psalm 46:1-3

All: Everything

Wednesday, April 29, 2009



Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You are Everything

How can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

How can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me-- how could it be
Any better than this?

Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything, Everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything, Everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're Everything, Everything

How can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would You tell me-- how could it be
Any better than this?

The last CRU was Monday, and we sang this song. I've heard it before, but I never listened well enough. God showed me new things about it throughout the week, particularly with this line:

"You're all I need."

A lot of songs have similar or identical words. We say God is all we need. But I never saw before what I see now: How unfathomable it is that the Creator fashioned His people with one, unquenchable DESIRE, but even more, one unquenchable NEED. And it's Him. We are a PEOPLE FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE. We long, hunger, suffer, yearn, and pant, because, in some way--in many unique ways-- we need Him. It's ALL--ALL!--about Him being Everything. My body needs Him to breathe, function, consume. And my mind needs Him. And my heart needs Him. Every, last thing about me is constantly craving the Creator. I cannot escape it. I am still slow to tell God, "You're all I want," but I am learning and grasping to agree, "You're all I need."

I have also been taken by:

"How can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?"

The reality is that I CANNOT stand or sit or walk with God without Him radically changing me. He changes me. He moves me. He stretches, grows, and pulls me. I am not the same. I'll never be the same. His presence is that transforming, that tangible, that real. I HAVE to be moved.

Monday's Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon said:

"It is strange how little use we make of the spiritual blessings which God gives us, but it is stranger still how little use we make of God Himself. Though He is 'our own God,' we apply ourselves but little to Him, and ask but little of Him. How seldom do we ask counsel at the hands of the Lord! How often do we go about our business without seeking His guidance! In our troubles, how constantly do we strive to bear our burdens ourselves, instead of casting them upon the Lord, that He may sustain us! This is not because we may not, for the Lord seems to say, 'I am thine, soul; come and make use of Me as thou wilt; thou mayest freely come to my store, and the oftener, the more welcome.' IT IS OUR OWN FAULT IF WE DO NOT MAKE FREE WITH THE RICHES OF OUR GOD. Then, since thou hast such a friend, and He invites thee, draw from Him daily. Never want whilst thou God to help thee; go to thy treasure and take whatever thou NEEDEST-- there is ALL THAT THOU CANST WANT. Learn the divine skill of making God ALL THINGS TO THEE. He can supply thee with all, or better still, HE CAN BE TO THEE INSTEAD OF ALL."

Whatever you "needest." "All that thou canst want." He can be Everything. He can be All. He can be INSTEAD of All. This is my God.

Introduction to All: Staggered

About a month ago, God began driving home a new truth for me. When I reflect on the entire first year of school, I see that it was the true lesson all along, but I had many preliminary lessons to learn first. But herein I find all of my Teacher's instruction coming full-circle. The lesson is this: Jesus Christ is All. He brought about this lesson through trials and pain, and I know it could not have been understood any other way. When I look over my journal entries in April, that theme is recurring, and so I want to repost some of those entries in hopes of showing that gaining Jesus is worth losing everything.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I am staggered by the love of God this morning. I am "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." I am "poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything." This has been one of the truest examples of JOY in my life. I am certainly not happy. I feel great pain. I am suffering. I am still longing and feeling as if my heart is being ripped apart and devoured. But I stand, with grace abounding. I stand, acknowledging the wonders of my God. How purposeful is this season. I have never felt nearer to His breast. He is so near to me-- so near to the brokenhearted.

I feel very raw because I can hardly contain what I know He is working in me. More than ever, He is showing me that His name and remembrance are the desires of my soul (Isaiah 26:8). He is working in me an unquenchable love for Him above all things. He is tearing down idols. He is pulling me into Him. He is causing me to fully believe that everything else is loss for the sake of Christ. That it is all loss for the surpassing worth of KNOWING Him, GAINING Him, being FOUND in Him. He is consecrating my heart, and I am thankful. But pulling me into Him means pulling me away from others. And though I am coming to see He is infinitely superior, it still hurts to part. I just keep remembering that He fills to the uttermost, fills to overflowing. That He is "able to repay/From His goodness all He takes away." In and of Himself-- able to repay. I want despise this work. Broken is beautiful.

I never knew this love.
Thank You. You did what You had to.

A God of Flesh vs. A God of Wood

For all of us who turn our relationships into idols:

“Shall a man make gods unto himself, and they are no gods.” -Jeremiah 16:20

One great besetting sin of ancient Israel was idolatry, and the spiritual Israel are vexed with a tendency to the same folly. Remphan’s star shines no longer, and the women weep no more for Thammuz, but Mammon still intrudes his golden calf, and the shrines of pride are not forsaken. Self, in various forms, struggles to subdue the chosen ones under its dominion, and the flesh sets up its altars wherever it can find space for them. Favorite children are often the cause of much sin in believers; the Lord is grieved when he sees us doting upon them above measure: they will live to be as great a curse to us as Absalom was to David, or they will be taken from us to leave our homes desolate. If Christians desire to grow thorns to stuff their sleepless pillows, let them dote upon their dear ones.

It is truly said that “they are no gods,” for the objects of our foolish love are very doubtful blessings; the solace which they yield us now is dangerous, and the help which they can give us in the hour of trouble is little indeed. Why, then, are we so bewitched with vanities? We pity the poor heathen who adore a god of stone, and yet worship a god of gold. Where is the vast superiority between a god of flesh and one of wood? The principle, the sin, the folly is the same in either case, only that in ours the crime is more aggravated, because we have more light, and sin in the face of it. The heathen bows to a false deity, but the true God he has never known; we commit two evils, inasmuch as we forsake the living God and turn unto idols. May the Lord purge us all from this grievous iniquity.

“The dearest idol I have known,
Whate'er that idol be,
Help me to tear it from thy throne,
And worship only Thee.” -Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, May 4

Updates and Changes

So, it's finally happened: I didn't blog one time in April! It was clear my blog was suffering this semester, but I never expected to stop completely. But, school is just about over, and I'm making a comeback. I have lots of things I want to share, but before I get to any of that, I'll just do a general update with some thoughts:

• This semester is almost over, and I could not be happier about that. I'll do a whole post about what I've learned this semester later. Right now, I'll just say that I was foolish to take 19 credits, and many areas of my life suffered as a result. I may actually make it out with A's in my classes. We'll see.
  

• God placed a strong conviction on me to not get any further into debt, and with that came some changes. Some were small, like not racking up songs on iTunes when I am paying for them with loan money that's in my bank account. Others are more drastic. I realized that the biggest way to eliminate my need for loans and to prevent any further debt was to attempt to get in-state tuition and the HOPE scholarship. But, in order to do that, I need to get a job and move off campus (weird Georgia policy; I don't get it, either.). So...
  

• I am moving off-campus for next year with my friend, Rachel. We already have our apartment held for us. It'll be way cheaper for me, and we both love it. Even better, some of my best friends are also moving to the same complex :). We could probably walk to camps if we wanted to. And...

• I'm going to look for a job soon. I have to time it well, though, because...

• I'm coming home for about two weeks! My mom is flying down May 11, and we're driving back on the 14th. I'll be leaving the 26th or so and meeting friends in Maryland. From there, we're going to Washington DC for a day before summer classes start.

• Back to the money issue. I have really been thinking about what I can do to avoid taking out another loan. My plan was to get in-state tuition and the HOPE by my senior year, but I didn't fully know how to avoid it for next year. But, then I remembered my grandmother has been saving money for my education since I was born. We talked yesterday, and she brought them up and offered to finally give it now. I expected it to be around $8,000. It's closer to $11,000. And my mother counted my mature bonds yesterday and found they were around $3,000. I have enough to pay for my entire year's tuition with some left over. Absolutely amazing. Why do I worry again?
  

• The past month or two has been almost a survey of new ministry experiences for me, if that makes any sense. I spent a day with the kids at the Boys and Girls Club. I spent a day with homeless women. I spent another day at the nursing home. I spent a week preparing for my first time teaching for bible study on Thursdays. I keep thinking about the opportunities I have this summer and praying that God leads me the right way. I've realized I don't want to be doing ten things and be mediocre at all of them; I want to do one or two things and give myself fully to them. The problem is that I am interested in a lot of things. I am leaning toward something with children this summer.
  

• One area of ministry I AM sure about is the teaching. After a really drawn-out process with lots of confusion, conversation, prayer, and some frustration (on my part, unfortunately), it was decided that I will co-lead a d-group with my friends, Lyndsey and Haley, which I am super-excited about :). It's what I wanted and asked God for, even though it seemed highly unlikely to work out that way.
  

• I'm thinking about getting baptized this summer.

• I changed my major. Yep. I think other people are just as shocked as I am by it. I was so certain, so set on my plans... and that was the problem. They were MY plans. God really began to disturb me with my own plans, though, and soon, He really did change my heart's desires... quite rapidly and effectively. My desires to go to go graduate school for a PhD are nonexistent. I am now shooting for an interdisciplinary degree with human services and psychology. I know a lot of people are baffled an trying to understand what is going on in my head to make such a "foolish" decision to throw aside grad school and getting a PhD for a field that pays hardly anything. I don't even have a good answer for the question, "What are you going to do with it?" I take my first human services class this summer, which will hopefully help me discern more about ministry opportunities. If this whole idea sounds crazy, you probably understand it correctly :) I'm just going to wait and see how God works this one out. It's actually kind of exciting.
  

• I am ecstatic about having time to read this summer. My leisure reading came to a screeching halt this semester for obvious reasons. I'm still not sure what I'll be reading.
  

• I really love the life God has given me, with all of its busyness, friendship, frustration, suffering, providence, waiting, longing, enlightenment, confusion, joy, trusting, trials, and seeing and savoring Him aside from my circumstances. I don't love my suffering, but I do aim to rejoice in the midst of it. Isn't it unfathomable that everything that befalls us is marked by love? Isn't it unfathomable that He makes all things-- even this-- work together for your good? It's been an amazing school year, and I can't wait to share more about it.
  

Song of All

I wrote this for English, so it actually has all kinda stuff like an elaborate rhyme scheme, a form, repetition, all that fun stuff:

I play the keys. A familiar dirge
taunts my ears. But I purge
my heart of grief. He sees
and counts my tears.
He knows all
my pleas.

You remain. And You do not turn
from what You create. I learn
the beauty in this pain.
Prostrate, I wait;
It’s all of me!
No refrain.

Now it’s time. I sing a new song.
I will not grow faint; I will long
in every note and every rhyme
to praise free of restraint.
All things surely
are mine.

I take to the street and raise my voice.
In much uncertainty, I will rejoice.
Bitter? Nay, my anthem’s sweet.
You have given eyes to see
all past dirges made it
more complete.